"Marie found grammatical errors, plot problems, and helped me to define inconsistencies that I didn't know existed. Not only that, she gave me some fabulous suggestions, noted places where I could add depth, as well as missed comedic opportunities, and helped me identify situations that felt contrived, how and where to add maximum comedy, suspense, emotion, etc. She explained how agents and editors tend to be turned off by these kinds of plot devices." —Deb Julienne
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Sample Critique
There are some very cute elements to it—I liked the opening with the swollen lips, but you could've done more with it. Show her panicking with a co-worker, which is more interesting that showing her panicking with herself. Goes back to missed opportunities to mine a situation for maximum comedy, suspense, emotion, etc. I also like the premise of her being way out of her league and forced to write a sex column for which she has no experience. I did not like Trent pretending to be his twin. That felt hugely contrived to me (agents and editors tend to be turned off by these kinds of plot devices). As I was reading about the company policy on fraternization I wondered, "Why is she (meaning you) painting herself into that corner?" Get rid of that policy. Show them fighting their attraction in a professional environment as she struggles to come up with content for the column. Then you could have her crumble in his presence and confess that she has no sexual experience. He could offer to help her in that regard and NOW we've got a book I want to read.
A couple of patterns I noticed in reading both stories:
1. You tend to rush things and miss opportunities to mine the emotion in each scene (for instance, the way she easily capitulates to his requests when she is WAY out of her league. She would fight that more.) Give me MORE of them together and LESS of them alone with their thoughts, which can be boring to read. Slow down. Take your time. Make sure you've struck every possible chord. Don't leave things out—like at the end of chapter three when you go from them being in the club together to him being on his way home alone. That is a missed opportunity to show more of them together, dealing with each other, bickering maybe, which is much more interesting than him mulling over his strange night of pretending to be his twin brother. Also, that long passage between her and her friends was kind of tedious. Trim that way down to only what's absolutely needed.
2. The POV switches are excessive. You can accomplish a lot of what you need to with witty, sparkling dialogue. Don't switch POV in the middle of scene. Pay attention to POV when you're reading others' work and you'll notice that a POV switch within a scene is very rare.
3. Blocking is awkward. I'm never sure of where people are located in a scene. Standing, sitting, in an office, etc. Same thing with transitions. They aren't smooth. For instance, in the first chapter, you show Sabrina, Kat and Trent in the office together. Then the POV switches and you show Trent walking with Kat and worrying about seeing Sabrina again. Before the switch they were already in the office together. So this back-tracking transition tugs the readers right out of the scene and causes us to say, HUH? You don't want us saying HUH? Take your time. Let the scene unfold naturally so all the players are well positioned and the reader has a sense of what's going on in the scene without having to take themselves out of the action to figure it out.
4. Old-fashioned language--marked throughout. Nothing drags your voice down like using old-fashioned words and phrases that no modern man or woman would use, even in their own thoughts. (dear god in heaven, mr. snotty nose, etc)
5. Redundancy--saying the same thing in two consecutive sentences. Don't feel like you have to hammer home your point. We get it.
Hope this has been helpful to you. Let me know if you have questions or if I can be of further help to you. I am here!
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The Latest
"Line of Scrimmage," Sourcebooks, Fall 2008